So many caring and sweet friends have asked this. So many prayer warriors have interceded for me against my homesickness.
The answer to that question is a simple.
I have circled a prayer for the last few years to help women. To be given a platform to speak into women the same confidence and identity the Lord had others speak to me and that He spoke to me. I have prayed for a platform within the health community to love people and network people together so those who feel in it alone will no longer feel as if health is a lonely battle but instead will feel it is a journey lived out with support and friends around them .
When I circled that prayer I also circled it that the Lord would provide this in Shreveport because I wanted and still want to be with my family. I desire daily time with my family and I desire to watch the kids grow and be in their lives consistently. I long and ache for my family in a way I’ve never experienced before.
In fact it took the Lord making it as clear as His hand writing on the wall for me to move.
I literally said “Watch him still offer me the job after saying no – yes – no, then I won’t be able to deny its you Lord” less than 5 minutes later my phone rang and my heart sank all at the same time. I knew exactly who it was and exactly what I was being called to do and immediately burst into tears asking “Why Lord, why must you do this?!”
Literally 2 hours after that moment I was packed up and driving to Oklahoma and I cried the entire 6 hour drive here.
So, you see friends this move wasn’t my choice. My choice was to say “Yes Lord”. “I prayed and I don’t understand your ways but I know that You are for me and not against me, I know you placed in me the desire to speak out against insecurity and loss of identity. It’s an over flow of Your heart and though I am so sad to leave home I know You Father have something for me. I know this is a season and a step towards my prayer. ”
So when will I come home?
Just like I left.
When the Lord sends me. When he makes it as clear as ever.
Until then I am learning to work through homesickness and it’s one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I cannot tell you the countless time I have avoided phone calls from my family due to already being in tears. However I know with confidence He is for me. He saw my struggle before it even arrived. He prepared a way before I even said yes. I know my God never leaves me. I know He hears the silent cries of my heart. I know He holds my family in his hands. I also know as precious as moments with the kids are to me, the moments in this season are more precious.
I know these things and I am choosing to walk in them and to sort through homesickness while believing in them.
Don’t get get me wrong. There are so many days I’ve called up friends and said ” I’m done! I don’t want to do this, I want to come home.”.
But my life is not about me it’s about the cross.
Y’all that is hard!!
It’s not about my comfort zone its about the Lords season.
It is scary to release that control to the Lord.
Scary but possible.
I am made to be a lioness arising.
I am made to be fearless.
I am called to deny myself and pick up my cross. Though I used to think that only referred to temptation and sin, I have begun learn just how much that really calls from us.
So, my sappy posts will happen.
My tears will flow.
I will want my family every single day.
But, I know with confidence, He hasn’t forsaken me. There is method in the seeming madness of this season. And it is a priceless time.
I am moving home when the Lord releases me. I pray He doesn’t release me because I give up and don’t press forward. I pray he doesn’t release me out of my reluctance. I pray he releases me out of my obedience to finish what He has started here, and because He has more.
A new season will be upon me and I can only pray and tuck away my hope that my new season brings me home to my family.