Life after recovery isn’t perfect. I think some people assume that it’s all a field of daisies and everything comes easy.
A few weeks ago I had a woman look at me in my office and tell me “You’re skinny now, so it’s easy for you”. My heart went out to her! My dear woman if you only understood the daily battle against a past food addiction and food aversion. If you only understood the war in my brain and the prayer that goes into not being addicted to food and not being obsessed with being “skinny” as you call it either.
I posted on instagram last week that I was chronicling my journey through leaning out.
A year ago I had an opportunity offered to me. This opportunity would put me in the fitness industry as an athlete and give me the ability to speak to more woman and to build relationships with other athletes. At the time I said no out of fear. After I had my realization about not letting fear of rejection or anything else control my decisions I went back and said “Yes! Please Yes!” So of course with that comes some leaning out. I have a very short time to accomplish this and when I am done I will go back and build up more because I prefer muscle and again I say I prefer because that is my preference to build muscle and more muscle because I like it for me. I love lifting. Some people love running or biking, and I love lifting. To each their healthy own.
When I said yes, the first thing I did was I went to find someone to hold me accountable. I would be a fool to try and accomplish this alone especially given my history. You see when you keep things in the darkness and you don’t have accountability you are far more susceptible to give ground to the enemy and to not stand strong in the strength the Lord has given you through identity in Him. I have been obsessed before with nutrition and perfection and I have learned from that and so this time I went to a new friend. Let me tell you this friend not only has had my back since day one of meeting but has introduced me to a team of others willing to back me in my goals and all learn from one another. It’s amazing really, seeing my prayers answered in double.
And oh man, did results come! That first week as they always do results were shining bright. You always change week 1-2 because you are throwing your body into a completely different direction than it is used to. But week 3 came along – and this week my friends has been a hard week. I would be lying to you if I said it was daisies and I looked in the mirror every day confidently.
I have had to stay away from the mirror much of the week and just trust the process, trust that I am being healthy not perfect and that goals don’t happen in a day. I have had to have grace on myself this week and know that a number doesn’t define me. That this goal doesn’t define me. The only thing that defines me is being a daughter of the Most High God.
This past Tuesday you may have noticed I did not post a check in update. This is was because it didn’t tell me what I wanted. It told me I went up in body fat by 0.2 % and that I lost muscle mass. I mean it’s not the end of the world but it isn’t what I wanted. I have goals and those goals have deadlines. The thing about having a team is, I had people to vent to and to regroup with. Find the problem and hatch a new plan of action. Most importantly I had people who I could say “ I feel this way about myself today.” and they would say “False and you know it!”.
I have learned so much about lifting, I have started to settle into the community here, and I have made friends that will go to bat for me. I do not regret this past three weeks. Not even that frustrating week 3 that didn’t yield the results I wanted.
My dear sweet ladies. Have grace on yourself. Enjoy the journey you’re on. Enjoy it with others who will stand in the gap for you on days that you just can’t see beyond a number or perceived flaw.